Building Blocks for Deep Friendship

Building Blocks for Deep Friendship

The passages below are taken from Charles Stanley’s book, “Walking Wisely,” published in 2002.

Deep, constant, godly friendships don’t just “happen.” They are built. There are eight essential building blocks required.

1. TIME
You must be willing to spend time with your friends. I must admit, I probably have lost some friends through the years because I have said, “I don’t have time,” when they invited me to go places or share experiences with them. The more honest truth is I didn’t choose to make the time. We all tend to make time for the things we want to do. We must also make time for the relationships we desire to have.

When we don’t have time for our friends, we likely aren’t valuing our friends as we should. We also must be aware that we have only so much time in life, and we likely have only the necessary time for a handful of genuine deep friendships. That does not mean we can’t have more casual friendships---but for a truly deep friendship to develop, time together is a vital ingredient.

2. TALK
A second building block to a good relationship is talk.
Conversation is the way you discover more about a person—-it is a window through which to peer into another person’s heart, mind, soul, and spirit. The more you converse with a person and see inside that person, the more you know about the person. And the more you know about a person, the more you love him or her--or perhaps, the more you realize that your friendship is likely to be short-lived.

When you are with a friend, the topic of your conversation doesn’t really matter. I used to meet regularly on Sunday afternoons to have tea and coffee with a few of my friends. We used to go to the same timmies every Sunday--in fact, the staff were so accustomed to our coming that they would have our order ready.

These friends of mine were all at different stages in their lives, including myself, but we had many common interests. What did we discuss? Anything and everything. We talked about whatever poped into our minds. Our conversation is free-flowing, easy, and natural- no subject is off-limits, no topic is too trivial or too big. We were open with
one another. We were friends. Yes, I do use this in the past tense for the distance has grown. We are now miles and miles apart. However, we do keep in touch for the most part.

3. SHARED TEARS AND LAUGHTER
Genuine friends cry together and laugh together. If a person is a genuine friend, you should have no hesitation whatsoever in going to that person when you are hurt, rejected, or disappointed . . . or when you have a triumphant moment!

Those who stuff all of their emotions--both sorrow and joy—--do damage to their own physical health. We all need the “release” of tears and laughter in order to vent our emotions.

4. EXPRESSED THANKFULNESS
A friend voices thanksgiving for his or her friends. Not too long ago, one of my friends showed up just when I needed someone to talk to about a situation I was facing. I realized that she had an uncanny way of showing up just when I need a listening ear and feel the need to pour out my heart. I’m thankful for her in my life. I’m thankful for the direction and wise counsel she gives me! And I am. I realized that she is not the only one whom I can rely on. I have many to whom I can trust.

I have a friend who will randomly calls or email me and I’m never quite sure why she calls or writes but --one of her recent emails took me by surprise. She had written “I’m grateful for our friendship” and “I love you, like a sister.” To have a friend who will openly and frequently make those two statements is a wonderful thing! I came to realize that we often take our friends for granted and rarely let them know how much we value and appreciate them. So ....If you haven’t told a friend lately that you are grateful to God for his or her presence in your life . . . or if you haven’t said, “I love you,” to a friend. . . I encourage you to do so.

5. THOUGHTFUL GESTURES
Sometimes the best way to show your appreciation for a friend is to do something for your friend or give something to your friend. The deed or item need not be grandiose or extravagant--rather, something that conveys the message, “I’m thinking of you. I listen to you. I know what you like--yes, even what you need.” A friend takes joy in giving something that he knows his friend desires.

One of my friends is a tremendous giver. She is always sending me something that she thinks I’ll enjoy--her gifts are always meaningful to me and sometimes rather unusual. As much as I have protested about her gifts to me, she continues to send them. One day she said to me, “I’m just a giver. It’s what I do."


6. TOLERANCE
Friends tolerate the occasional bad mood, the hurtful comment said in haste, or the bad attitude that’s the result of being too tired or too stressed out.

Sometimes tolerance means putting up with an annoying habit. Sometimes it means cutting that person some slack when he’s fifteen minutes late . . . again. Not long ago, I sat and listened to a friend of mine tell a story I’ve heard so many times I could tell it in detail myself. This girl knew I’d heard the story. Everybody else at the table had heard it. But we all listened as if we were listening for the first time. She’s our friend.

7. TOUCHING
There’s power in appropriate touching between friends. A genuine friend should be someone you feel you can hug, someone you can pat on the back.

A while back, I was at work, and I noticed that one woman was giving another woman a very hard time about something. Rather than respond in a negative manner, she reached out and touched her lightly on the shoulder and said, “I’m sorry . . .“ She didn’t have to say anything more. The instant she touched her, she melted--her countenance changed and so did the tone of her voice.

Most people are hungry to be touched--it’s a sign to them of care, empathy, concern, appreciation, and value.

I am certainly not advocating that you hug every person in sight, or that you be overly affectionate with casual acquaintances. You must be sensitive to what another person needs and desires--you should touch another person only in a way you know is comfortable for that person. A friend, however, should be someone that you don’t think twice about touching when you desire to express pure, nonsexual affection, comfort, or appreciation.

8. TRANSPARENCY
Transparency means not holding deceitful motives, hiding your feelings, or harboring a secret agenda in your dealings with another person. If you are going to develop a genuine friendship with another person, you are going to have to let that person see the real you.

I have always struggled with allowing my true emotions come out. Why? For many reasons. One, I think, is putting myself in a position of vulnerability. Another reason is just fear of being judged. Yes, this goes against everything I have just said but its true. I do have fear. How do you really know that your friends are really your friends? Over the last few months I have come to realize that it's about trusting God. God will never present something that I am unable to handle. Its not in his character.

THE SUM IS LOVE
All of these building blocks add up to one simple four-letter word: love. A person you love is a person you spend time with, talk to, cry with and laugh with, are thankful for, do thoughtful things for, tolerate without complaining, touch with affection, are transparent with, speak the truth to, and trust.

The cardinal principle for having a deep, close, godly friend
is to be such a friend.

What Damage the Relationship?
The foremost way to damage any relationship is simply to undo or tear down one or more of the building blocks identified above. Relationships are impaired or harmed when:
• You stop spending time together.
• You stop talking to each other.
• You become reluctant to share your sorrows and your joys—--you stop crying together and laughing together.
• You no longer express your thanks or do thoughtful things for each other.
• You become increasingly critical of each other—--less and less tolerant of each other’s errors, less appreciative of each other’s efforts, less accepting of each other’s weaknesses.
• You stop touching each other with warmth and tender affection.
• You build a wall and no longer share your life freely with each other—--one or both of you hold things back and conceal your motives, feelings, and thoughts.
• One or both of you lie to each other—--not only about what you are doing, but what you are thinking and feeling with regard to your relationship.
• You stop trusting each other. (192-193)


The 8 T of being a good friend: I must make the TIME to TALK to each other and to be THANKFUL that we share our joy and TEARS with one another. I must be THOUGHTFUL to him and be TOLERANT of his occasional bad mood and be TRANSPARENT in my dealings with him. Above all, we must not be afraid to TOUCH each other, emotionally, mentally and physically but not sensually.