How Long?

How long does it take to let someone go?

I was looking through the newspaper today when I saw a full page advertisement for a new badminton racquet and on the following page there was an article on Ultimate Frisbee and just below that a new wood-crafting device. My first thought was how powerful that racquet probably was (I know very little about racquets) and wondered if Mel or Julie owned it. And, coincedentally the article on frisbee (which they were both heavily involved with). Ultimate Frisbee seems to be the newest craze here at home. It's funny how something triggers a memory. That little wood-crafting device would have been so handy for my uncle had he still been here. Then came the immediate realization that they are all gone.

I recently lost my Uncle to Cancer and I still have not completely come to the realization that he is truly gone. Gone Forever. Well...I won't be seeing him agian this side of eternity. It just strikes me that those who leave our lives will always leave their print -- no matter the circumstance. Even in the most atrocious of events they will always leave their mark. It has got me to thinking more and more about Mel and Julie (my former roomies, good friends-- in Sudbury) How I still can, if I try hard enough or ever become brave enough again to contact the two of them. Yes, I have tried before -- I woke up one morning a couple of years ago and decided it was time to make amends. So, I drove up to NorthBay but quickly realized they were both not there. The trip was definately not a waste (definately not) for I was able to speak to their mother and father. Their mother is a fabulous lady. Fantastic. Despite the heart-ache and disapointment I had caused she still welcomed me with open arms (literally). Of course it was awkward at first especially since it had been years since I last seen or spoke to anyone of them. However, she still didn't turn me away. As I broke down, confused and disapointed, she embraced me and said "it's okay". This was something I had to hear, for I wasn't really sure anymore.

There are still times that I see or hear something that I want to share with the two of them, Mel and Julie that is. Mel, Julie and I parted our ways about four years ago and have never spoken since. Even though they have been gone all this time I still experience thoughts that bring an instant response of wanting to share those moments with them. I want to tell them about things and even just pass the time of day with my friends. It's not usually big stuff, just everyday happenings. It can be a joke that a I know they'd like or seeing a photo that they'd enjoy.

So again...
there have been many times (more frequent than before) that I'll see something and think of talking about it with them. Those times have become more and more infrequent but they are still present and seem never to truly fade... i guess they'll continue. I know that I won't be seeing them again (unless...) but it's hard to change those patterns of thinking that have been built up over time.

I'm not talking about grieving. The grieving has well and truly passed but I certainly still miss my Amigo's. Those thoughts are just flashes. The entire thought process is over in a couple minutes before I'm catapulted back into the real world, the world where they are no longer part of my life, not really anyways.

Of course I think about both of my friends/former roomies a lot more often than just at those moments but they seem harder to handle because they reinforce the loss. They're a reminder that there was, there is and there will continue to be moments that would be more meaniful if I could share them with those particular people.

So much has happened since we all parted away and there's a world of things I would have loved to have shared them.

I am often reminded of what Mother Teresa said "Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." It may just be a simple smile but that smile could mean the world to that one person.


Perhaps one day I will see them again. Perhaps one day we could be good freinds again. Perhaps one day...

Now I don't use the word friends lightly but they were both my good-friends.

What about you? Do you have those instants when you 'forget' for just half a second that someone you love or someone who has truly impacted you has gone? Has time eased the ache for you?